i’m unsticky tape

Picture the bonding like two pieces of tape face to face. Each time you give yourself physically or emotionally to another you stick to them. That is the bonding process that God created for marriage. When you become intimate, emotionally or physically, you form a bond with that person.

But, when the relationship ends, the tape is pulled apart and the bond ripped away. Most of the time it hurts very deeply. With each relationship you stick, unstick, stick again and when you finally come to the time when you do marry, the ability to stick or bond becomes much less, if not at all.

Oh crap I’m screwed.

the pink bible

exchange is so troublesome. but that means i’ll make sure it’s worth all the trouble!

for once in my life, going uk. my dream of actually going to uk came true, in ways i’ve never expected it. 2 years ago i was so hard up wanting to go to uk to study, but it’s incredibly expensive, so now’s my chance to do so…. 

mom n dad bought me a pink nkjv bible today <3 and a beautiful pair of sunglasses…both specially for exchange. the pink bible was cuz it’s small and more portable than my current one, (not to mention its super cute, pink colour!! the pages are pink!!!), and since i’ve been reading niv my whole life, and have read it through more or less once, time to change versions. its astounding that i’ve read that whole book once (and some parts way more than once) yet i still cannot remember or apply or recall most of it, really feel so helpless at times.

the marie claire sunglasses is perfect! love it so much.

i just cannot bring myself to update my exchange blog, it’s so mundane to blog reporter style, being detached and impersonal. how can i do it? ugh.

i’ve just felt like staying at home…i’ve got 2 more weeks to enjoy the comfort of home. i somehow don’t feel like going out. i like being at home, with my family. it’s so tiring running around outside… but yet at the same time i wished i had the energy to do so because staying at home makes me seem like an outcast of society..but who cares. family first. i’m just very thankful that i have a family to spend time with and the chance to hang out at home where i feel so comfy and happy, its really amazing to be able to bum around at home and laze on the couch.

because deep inside me i’m realizing that the time i have left to spend with my family is greatly diminishing. for the next 6 months i will not see them at all. and i’ve sorta … left the nest? i’ll never be permenantly living with my parents anymore. once i graduate it’ll be even worse. how often can i come back? maybe that’s why i’m just taking my chance now while i still have it, i don’t wanna grow up and regret this… regret the time i did not spend with my family.

lil eugene is spending too much time on the computer. i fear for him. when i was his age, 14, i was busy crushing on guys and reading books and learning the piano and serving in youth cell and yet.. he’s in front of the computer all day? playing games. i wished i knew how to guide him. worrying! isn’t he interested in girls at all? okay so he did go out of the way to get a present delivered for that girl, that heart shaped keychain… but… other than that…. he’s stuck online all the other time! crap.

end of 2007

well, the last day of 2007.

recap time!

January
went back to uni after one month break. reunited with bb after not seeing for 28days. ‘engage’ : fast & pray with crusade. cheerleading contest thingy. making the decision..and told him.

February
day of prayer. highlighted my hair. valentine’s day. really a mixture of happiness and sadness.

March
Problems started. Studies too tough. Turned to him instead of Him. Stressed with studies, drifting away from God. Basically a mess.

April
Things got better or so I thought. Exams. Mapling. not studying. lived in a dream. everything went downhill from here.

May
Entreuprenuership course. met the girl who was about to be my good friend. phantom of the opera. little did i know that was the last time we shared the same air.

June & July
Dead to the world, living zombie, refused to get up and remained deaded and lifeless. basically a total waste of time. just press *delete* so i don’t have to remember anything that happened in this 2 months. don’t need to remember anything. nothing happened. only thing worth remembering is that in between there i met my darl peipei.

August
Forced to get up. school’s starting. confused. new roomie. dislike. hated life. got single room. moved. kiat’s here. infuriated because i cannot even spend time with my good friend without causing rumours to spread like fire. baka…

September
internal conflicts. external mess. my bday came and went w/o notice. going to uk? started guitaring.

October
celebrated bday again during the lowest point. the one whom i thought cared didnt. no more money. starved self to the point of painful gastric and vowed never to do that again as i waited for that night to pass. got the horrible news from kj. hated my stupidity which caused a dear friend to suffer.

November
celebrated my cadeau. library hunting. exam stress n preparation. BTW.

December
back at home. Christmas. Meta. packed everything home.

———–

2007 was another utter waste of time.
I would redo everything again if I had the chance.
I screwed up way too many times in so many areas.
I made so many wrong decisions.
I chose so many wrong things.
I wanna redo my whole life again.
Starting from the day I was born.

No.
No no.
I’ll screw it up again anyway.
No matter what I do I’ll make some kind of screwy mistake and then… sigh.
I cannot take things into my own hands.
I did not create me. I don’t know me.
You do.
And that is enough.

happy new year.

when the darkness closes in

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say…
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say…
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

———-

You gave me good grades and somehow now it’s been taken away, still blessed be Your name.

You gave me good friends and some of them have faded away, still blessed be Your name.

You gave me my cadeau, and today, 4 months after I first stepped in…it is taken away…blessed be Your name.

———-

I love my cadeau so much, it is so hard for me to close the door and lock it and return my keys and never to return to that place again…

It’s my place.. the place I felt at home and comfortable in that cold land… now I must give it up?

Yes I must. I will not get attached to the things of this world. Why do I cling on to the tiny room, when I could have a mansion? Why should I cling on to my small tiny dreams when God has way more stuff in store for me?

But first I have to let go.

——–

after all that abuse my body finally caved in! I’m properly sick now. fever sorethroat & flu, and I’m not gonna countdown to 2008 because I wanna sleep.

———

what Dave Park said was very true… dying is not difficult… living is the hard part… living… living… am i really living?

Protected: An utter waste of time

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Still no accomodation!

I’m being driven nuts searching for accomodation @ Manchester.

Things bothering me right now:

1. Accomodation
2. Haven’t received Acceptance Pack
3. Cannot travel Europe!!

All in all, I really don’t know what to do, or how to find a solution to my problems.

And it’s Christmas tomorrow.

Protected: Christmas… sad time of the year

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i thought i was stressed during exams, this is even worse.

i could barely sleep yesterday night with all the worries and thought flying through my head.

i cant even get my mind to shut down completely now.

i’m so worried! about next semester. there’s a million things to do and i dunno where to start.. i dont know who to turn to..

at least i had people to turn to during exams but now there’s no one in the same position as I am, hence rendering me alone and helpless…

I wonder if anyone is going through the same thing ? Why do i feel so alone?

i’m pretty sure that there are tougher things out there which people have to face, and that… i can make it through this… somehow someway.

i’m really stressed about… money. when i go to exchange. i’m gonna be using up alot of money, my dad’s money.

its so expensive. i guess not being able to travel europe is really a bonus, if not i’d be feeling so … uneasy.

money doesnt come easy.

Headache with zee Visa

I woke up with dad barging into my room (where’s my privacy??) and apparently I’m late to rise again. Visa day! Ah! So I dressed and… it didn’t meet his requirement. Go make visa must wear formal. What?? So I panicked, where can I find formal attire? My skirts are all in Singapore. 

Then it hit me. Ah! My white ‘wedding’ dress! That Auntie Lilee gave me! Wheee! It’s saved my sorry ass twice already! The first was when I had absolutely nothing suitable to wear to Jean’s bro’s wedding dinner. And she showed up at my house with that beautiful dress! Ah!! and today again it saved my burnt ass from the fire breathing gorilla. 

Things just doesnt work out doesnt it? First no more travelling with DuRong. Now I totally cannot travel at all!! I’m stuck in the UK!!

I’m feeling very frustrated and stressed and down. I’m just…I just don’t know what to do anymore. Am I supposed to go there in the first place?

Protected: yesterday

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