its just so difficult

i really dont know why its so difficult.
its so suffocating, so horrible.
why is it so hard to get along with you?
its not that i dont wanna get along with you, believe me i’ve tried.
but i think, it is definitely best that we part, lest we tear each other apart. oo it rhymes.
i just duno lah… why? why are you like that? why am i like that?
nevermind, i wont see you for another 5 months anyway, after tuesday.
its just.. argh… i don’t know why.
shout shout shout. that’s all you know how to do?
i ask mum, what was she thinking when she married you??
i should get a slap for asking that sorta question.
what did she see in you?
was she desperate until she settled for you?
no, she replies. its so that i can have you.
if i dont marry him, you wont be here, she says.
fine then, i dun really wanna be here? (oh wait, right now i do, i’m in the awesomest place ever. i mean before this when i was stuck in a tiny shithole across the sea)
argh its just so confusing. if you really dont like me, just leave me be. if you really like me, then stop shouting and grumbling at me.
you say i’m so negative, full of shit n stuff? you see me being drawn to alcohol? you see me complaining n whining? being a horrible person? you see me being so foul mouthed spilling foul words from my mouth?
i wished i can look you in the eye and tell you its all because of you. you brought me up this way. you. you are looking at a reflection of what you did wrong all these 20 years, manifested in me, how convenient.
but no, i just smile, hold my tongue, because if i said that, you’d slap me again wouldn’t you?
my pretty face doesnt need another scar, thank you very much.