I’m confused, I don’t know if it’s already over.

Or I’m just being silly.

But the part of me which so desperately wants to protect myself from being hurt again urges me to believe that it’s over.

I can forget about it, about everything  now… It wasn’t meant to be I guess? It’s okay,  I feel hurt and sad but it’ll be no different from the other times and soon I’ll be okay again! And so now I don’t need to worry about what my dad will say, or stress my mom out.

Sigh but i’m sad

It’s all too familiar.

Last year this time I was very sad … spent most of my time hiding in my room.

Now when i’m in my room at home I feel almost the same. I cannot help feeling that everything will fall apart. I’m scared.

And I sorta see it falling apart already. Oh no. I’m going through the same cycle over and over again. Guy likes me, I like him, then I get clingy, I get whiney, he cannot take it anymore, he’s fed up, then he leaves me. That’s basically the story of my love life. And to my utter stupidity I am acting the same script, the same act, all over again! CRAP.

I lay in bed hiding under my comforter for a long time…

Then I surrendered control… It’s not for me to decide where this leads anyway. Something could happen out of it, nothing could happen, and either way it will be well with my soul. Your will be done and not mine, Lord.

sigh

i remember one year ago the vtu shootings.
i remember, one year ago, you still loved me.
i remember, how msn didn’t deliver the messages and i went to sleep with my msn on…
and you thought something happened to me when you didn’t get my replies…
i wonder..how you did your early morning exam in that condition…
i remember, waking up to see frantic smses and msns…
i remember, running up to meet you after your exam…and you smiled…and i smiled…because we were happy…
i remember feeling so happy because you were worried for me, you cared for me… and i will remember that feeling for a very long time…

sigh…

unwanted

i cannot find a place to fit in…
i am just like a speck of dust…floating around…settling down on a shelf somewhere for a brief moment in time…then the wind comes…and then i’m off floating around again…
hoping that i will find somewhere to land on…
but then…the wind, it comes…and i keep floating on…not finding a place to land…
i sometimes see myself landing….oh look, another surface to land on!…and then just before i land the gust of wind comes and off i go again…
i’m so tired…i want to land somewhere…and i want the raindrops to come and pour and then i will be wet and heavy and will stick there and not float around…because heavy wet dust doesn’t get blown away by the wind…
but no… the dry wind keeps picking me up time and time again and i keep floating here and there, never finding a place to belong, never finding a place to fit in, never finding a place to land…
and i keep floating on.
when will this end?
why does it even happen?
and that is why i so strongly believe and think that i am truly never good enough.

sad….

it’s for the best, but i still feel sad…

it’s what i MUST do, yet i feel sad…

Since I would have to go through this either way, I should just get over being sad and not dwell on it…I guess…

But I’m sad, I’m so sad…

i wanna go home :(

its only a week and i already wanna go home.
i knew this feeling would eventually come, but not so soon…..
and not when i’m feeling very cold… i only feel this way when i’m cold cold cold…
maybe i made a mistake.. i should have stuck with those singaporeans, then at least i’d have constant company? did i choose the wrong path detaching myself from them? what did i do? oh my gosh.. what have i done!

no. you know yourself very well don’t you? if you’d stuck with them you’d be having *different* kinds of problems, and would still complain again, but about *different* things. do you really want to hang out 24/7 with people who cannot stop saying fuck and other variants of the versatile word fuck and who drink like no tomorrow? huh? do you do you?

but but… i’m lonely, i’m cold. i’d rather have a group of people to hang out with…….

*lightbulb*

get a bf!! see it solves everything! no longer you have to suffer in the coldness of your room, trade it for the warmth of his arms. ah.. brilliant idea isn’t it?

time to go bf shopping tomorrow, time to go against all i’ve promised never to do again… ?

can i blame it on the cold?

its just so difficult

i really dont know why its so difficult.
its so suffocating, so horrible.
why is it so hard to get along with you?
its not that i dont wanna get along with you, believe me i’ve tried.
but i think, it is definitely best that we part, lest we tear each other apart. oo it rhymes.
i just duno lah… why? why are you like that? why am i like that?
nevermind, i wont see you for another 5 months anyway, after tuesday.
its just.. argh… i don’t know why.
shout shout shout. that’s all you know how to do?
i ask mum, what was she thinking when she married you??
i should get a slap for asking that sorta question.
what did she see in you?
was she desperate until she settled for you?
no, she replies. its so that i can have you.
if i dont marry him, you wont be here, she says.
fine then, i dun really wanna be here? (oh wait, right now i do, i’m in the awesomest place ever. i mean before this when i was stuck in a tiny shithole across the sea)
argh its just so confusing. if you really dont like me, just leave me be. if you really like me, then stop shouting and grumbling at me.
you say i’m so negative, full of shit n stuff? you see me being drawn to alcohol? you see me complaining n whining? being a horrible person? you see me being so foul mouthed spilling foul words from my mouth?
i wished i can look you in the eye and tell you its all because of you. you brought me up this way. you. you are looking at a reflection of what you did wrong all these 20 years, manifested in me, how convenient.
but no, i just smile, hold my tongue, because if i said that, you’d slap me again wouldn’t you?
my pretty face doesnt need another scar, thank you very much.

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seven inches

you know those tshirts with funny funny weird stuff on them? we saw them today. Among them I remember:

manchester untitled – the dead devils (i so wanted this)
hsbc – highly suspicious banking corp
bmw – bloody mahal wheels, burnt my wallet
“how often do you have election?” “every morning”
mercedes bench (with a picture of a bench with the merc logo)
fellali – made in china
bugger king – the best buggers in the world
seven inches (instead of seven eleven)
keep msia clean. throw ur rubbish in *ahem*
why so late? suck chair lor! (picture of bart simpson with a chair in his mouth, this is sooo LOL)
cream of bush

and my lil bro said he wanted the seven inches one! of all things!! o.o
i had to take him aside and explain to him the whole meaning of seven inches before he defensively said he was just trying to show it to me. haha nice try.

so cute… young innocence… in a boy…
such a stark contrast to the highly contaminated and impure minds of the older ones…

The reason

Sometimes I wonder why I’m going for this exchange.
Yes it is true that it’s been my dream to study in UK.
And I’m really happy to be able to fufill this dream.
But what started it all…
Why did I even take the first step to apply?
It’s all because of you.
You know how you hurt me so much?
Yeah.
At that time, being in the same university with you caused me more trauma and torture than you could ever imagine.
I had to be always on my lookout, in case I’d bump into you.
I had to change scrape my dietary plans, just so I won’t see you in the canteens.
And oh, if that were to fail I’d spend my entire meal fretting away trying not to twitch from anger? sadness? whatever that was.
I remembered thursdays oh so clearly.
Evidently we had lunch break at the same time, and were having classes at south, so off to canteen B we’d head and I’d see you there acting as though nothing happened, as though I’m just a stranger, as though you’d forgotten this girl who was crazy about you, and it drove me nuts for 2 consecutive weeks til I decided that I’d have my meals at the quad from then on. You hardly went to the quad. And I was a peaceful happy girl having my lunches (which was my only meal then) at the cafe by the quad for a few weeks til you showed up with your bunch of friends one day.
The worst thing which happened was when I was waiting for a lift in a secluded place and *ding* the lift door opened and tadahhhhhh there you were!!! Inside that lift!!!!! Making out with a hot girl!!!!! Oh what coincidence!!! Of all the places in that insitute of higher learning, you had to be there at that exact same time as I was!!! (Okay you weren’t making out with anyone in the lift, my imagination always runs wild). You know I had heart palpitations after you left me because I just couldn’t take it? Well that incident made me have a minor heart attack and I was practically screaming curses in my mind. I’m bad I know. Why?? Why did you had to torture me so? You left me, so don’t let me see you … don’t torture me like that! That was all I could think about that time, the torture of ever having to see you.
I always told myself, there are soooooo many people i’d like to bump into, ahem like that cute angmoh, but it just has to be you.
Or maybe it’s just because I notice you.
I’d spot you a mile away, standing outside the audi. I’d be walking halfway and instinctively turn and see you, thank God you hardly saw me, or maybe you were just pretending.
And the time you walked past me without any acknowledgement for the first time…it was raining and you hid behind your umbrella and pretended that you didn’t see me or you didn’t even care. That incident crushed me more than I could bear…and after that I knew there was no chance of us ever becoming friends again, like how we promised each other before.

I’ve digressed too much, all I wanted to say was that, the main reason I applied for exchange was to get away from that university, to escape this torture. At that time I couldn’t care less whether they sent me to some remote place or whatever, I just wanted to get away…so I won’t have to worry about ever seeing you…or even seeing your friends, who are now my ex-friends too…

But then, you also went for exchange.. I don’t even know where you are right now. So then. My primary reason for going exchange is..gone. That is why I feel so demotivated. Everything I do about this exchange reminds me of why I did it in the first place, reminds me that you left me, reminds me of everything I don’t even wanna be reminded of.
I have to constantly remind myself that no, I’m not doing this for you, I’m doing this for me. It’s not about you anymore. I’ve gotta get you outta my system and live my life. We’d probably never ever ever ever talk ever ever ever again :’(((

By any chance, if you are reading this, yes you, you know who you are, I just wanna say, all the best and..I miss you.

You were my reason.